


nothing safe is worth the drive (15.20 coda)

by poodlesandsucculents



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Coda, Fix-It, Fluff, Heaven, Love Confessions, M/M, Tenderness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:33:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27677431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poodlesandsucculents/pseuds/poodlesandsucculents
Summary: Dean drives. He has things he needs to say, and he sure as hell doesn't plan to be within five miles of anyone who knew him before the age of twenty when he says them. It's all too fragile. So, he drives.(finale fix-it, of sorts)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 44
Kudos: 325





	nothing safe is worth the drive (15.20 coda)

Dean drives. He has things he needs to say, and he sure as hell doesn't plan to be within five miles of anyone who knew him before the age of twenty when he says them. It's all too fragile. So, he drives.

Dean drives a dirt road through trees that seem taller than clouds, until the forest ends at the shore of a lake. There's a little cabin right at the treeline, and a wooden pier jutting out from the shore. He's been here before, in a dream. Cas brought him here, to tell him secrets. Now it's Dean's turn.

Dean parks Baby and walks down to the pier, right out to the edge, and for a while, he just stands there, breathing, the water lapping beneath his feet and the breeze blowing in his ears. The quiet beauty of this place shakes him. He knows the hand that made it. He takes a breath, and prays. "Cas--"

The word has barely left his mouth before he hears the rush of wings, and a soft, "Hello, Dean."

Dean's heart may be nothing but a construct here, but it beats faster anyway. A smile creeps onto his face. Part of him had still feared Cas wouldn't come, that he would never hear that voice again, never see him--

"I'm sorry," Cas continues.

Dean turns around. "What for?"

Cas gives him that look like he thinks he’s stupid. "You’re dead."

_ Goddamn,  _ Dean thinks.  _ I missed him.  _ He shrugs. “Yeah, well. Had to happen sometime, right?”

“It wasn’t supposed to happen yet,” Cas says. “Jack could put you back, if you asked.” He sounds almost desperate.

Dean shifts his weight. “Sure, yeah. But I feel like I’ve cheated death enough times for one guy. I’m not gonna ask for it again. Besides--” he cracks a grin, looking around. “Heaven seems pretty cool, now. Bobby tells me you had something to do with that.”

Cas smiles, just barely. “I’m trying.”

“I know.” He wants to reach out and touch Cas, pull him into his arms, but he can’t figure out the right opening.

“It’s not fair,” Cas says. “You deserve better. You deserve a life.” He folds his arms, and turns away. “This is stupid. You weren’t supposed to be here yet.”

“Hey--” Dean feels like this conversation is getting away from him. “I was gonna give up hunting, you know,” he says to Cas’s back. “After everything that happened, I was gonna give it up, but I swore I wouldn’t until I saved you first. Pulled you out of the Empty. I was looking for a way to do that, I--I had no idea Jack had already brought you back. How come you didn’t tell me?”

“I--” Cas stops, can’t seem to finish the thought. “Then it’s my fault you were hunting vampires in Ohio the night you were killed.”

Dean feels confused. “What? No! Cas--” He grabs Cas’s shoulder and turns him around to face him. “That’s not what I--” Cas looks haunted, and Dean softens. “Look, man, I’m trying to tell you, I’m glad you’re okay. I’m glad you’re here.” He puts his hands on Cas’s shoulders and rubs them gently. “It doesn’t matter where I am--I’m okay as long as you’re okay. As long as you’re here. With me. You hear me?”

Dean realizes that Cas looks like he’s about to cry. He can’t wait any more. Dean wraps Cas up in his arms. “It’s okay,” he says. “Yeah. We’re gonna be okay.” 

Cas hugs him back, and it sounds like he really is crying, and then Dean is crying, too. Dean presses his cheek against Cas’s hair. “I thought--I have lost you so many times. I swear this time I am never letting you go.” He means what he says--he wants to stay here holding Cas in his arms forever, he never wants this moment to end, but if he doesn't let it end, he'll never get to the next one. The one he drove all this way for.

Dean pulls back to look at Cas’s face--wet with tears, his eyes shut tight. Dean closes his eyes and rests his forehead against Cas's. "Cas," he says, "I--." He chokes on the words he's dreamed of saying for years and years and years, too aware that once he lets them out, they can never be taken back. Take this step, and he will become a new person, forever. It terrifies him to his core. He wonders if it will be okay to just leave it there, if they can still have some kind of life together if he leaves it unsaid. But Cas is still clinging to him, and Cas deserves better. They both deserve better. For the first time, he’s more afraid of what will happen if he doesn’t say it than if he does.

"Cas?" he says, then breathes--in, out, in. "I love you, too."

Cas’s breath catches.

"I've always loved you," Dean says, and lets it pour out of him, stumbles over the speech he's been cobbling together since the moment Cas got taken away from him one last time. "You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. You changed me, too, Cas--you gave me hope. I watched you turn on everything you knew for me and Sam, for the world, because you knew it was the right thing to do, and you made me want to be that brave. You made me think that maybe I didn’t have to follow all my dad’s orders either, the path he laid out for me, and you brought me back from hell in more ways than one, and I think--” His voice cracks with a choked off sob. “I think I was only half alive before I loved you."

"Dean." Cas cups a hand to Dean's cheek and brushes at his tears, and Dean makes himself open his eyes and look at him. Look at Cas, who looks at him like no one else, with so much awe. So much love. He’s looking at Dean now, and Dean feels so light he could float away, like Cas’s touch is the only thing keeping him on the dock. He wonders how either of them ever could have doubted what this was.

“Cas.” He gently pulls Cas’s hand from his cheek, curls his fingers around it, holds it to his chest. "The past few years, whenever I've let myself--whenever I've thought about having a life, I've never been able to imagine it without you. But I thought you couldn’t--or you wouldn’t want--I mean, I’m not--” He stops and blinks his tears away, tries to collect himself. “Cas,” he says. “You--you hear me? I thought I couldn't have what I wanted either, but maybe I can. Maybe you can have it, too." Dean kisses him before his nerve runs out.

It isn't perfect. They're both still crying. Dean is so nervous he’s shaking. It isn't perfect, but it's good. It’s good, and he can’t ever take it back, can’t ever say he meant this any other way. He never wants to.

When he looks at Cas again, he looks stunned, just staring at him, and Dean panics. “That--when you said you loved me--that is what you meant, wasn’t it?”

Cas breaks into a laugh with a touch of hysteria. He smiles, and looks away, wiping at his tears with the hand Dean isn’t holding. “No, no--that’s--yes, that’s what I meant.”

Dean breathes a sigh of relief. “Great. That’s--that’s--good,” he says.

Cas carefully places his other hand on Dean’s chest, looking at it like he’s amazed he can do this, and Dean takes hold of that one, too, and brings it to his lips to kiss. It makes Cas smile even brighter “I--I guess I was wrong, before,” Cas says, and Dean thinks he might even be blushing. “This is the happiest I’ve ever felt.”

“Yeah,” Dean says, stroking his thumbs over Cas’s knuckles. “Yeah, me too.”

“Really?” Cas asks.

Dean wants to drive all the doubt from his eyes. “Yeah.” He smiles, and Cas closes his eyes and leans into him like he’s lost the ability to stand upright on his own. Dean pulls him back into a hug, and he doesn’t know how long they stand there holding each other on that pier. Like Bobby said--time moves differently here.

“You’re really certain this is where you want to stay?” Cas asks him after a while. “I know you must be worried about Sam--”

“Every day of my life for thirty-seven years,” Dean says. “Not stopping just ‘cause I’m dead.”

Cas reaches up and brushes his fingers through Dean’s hair.

Dean smiles and closes his eyes for a moment, letting himself just feel. “Of course I’m gonna miss him. But. He'll be along eventually." Dean stops. "He will, won't he? He'll be coming here-- when he passes?"

"Of course," Cas says.

"Good," Dean says. "’Cause if he goes the other way--Hell, Purgatory, whatever other crap this world comes up with--"

"You'll go after him.”

"Every time.”

“I know,” Cas says. “And I’ll always go with you.”

Dean looks at him, and lets that settle, lets himself understands what it means. He’s carried this responsibility alone since his father first set it on his shoulders, but he doesn’t have to anymore. Cas is always gonna be there with him. He’s been there for years now--Dean just never let himself see it. He puts an arm around Cas’s shoulders, and presses a kiss to his forehead. It makes Cas smile so much, he does it again. His heart swells with the profound conviction that they are going to make each other happy. “I know you will,” he tells Cas. “But I hope we don't have to, cause I'm--I’m tired, man. I'm so goddamn tired. I’m ready for--just a little break, you know."

“I know,” Cas says again. He puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder, and holds his gaze. “I know you are. I wanted to make this Heaven a place where you could find rest. All the peace and joy you deserve.”

Dean finds himself smiling his doofiest smile. “Well I think you’re doing a pretty good job.” He looks up toward the cabin. “Is that supposed to be mine?” He nods toward it.

Cas nods. “If you want it.”

Dean looks back at him, and raises his eyebrows. “You made it for me?”

Cas nods again. “You--you can change it however you want, though.”

Dean grins at him. “Nah. If you made it for me, it’ll be perfect.”

Cas smiles and looks away. “Dean…”

“I mean, there’ll probably be something weird about it. But it’ll be perfect.”

Cas rolls his eyes, and Dean wants to kiss him again, so he does. Cas kisses him back this time, though he seems a little unsure of himself. Dean doesn’t mind. He can’t wait to give him more practice. They are about to enjoy an eternity together.

“So,” Dean says. “Did you make sure there’s room for two in that place?”

“Well, I--I had hoped that you’d have--somebody.”

“Cas.” Dean takes his hands again. “Will you stay with me? You know, when you’re not off renovating Heaven, doing angel stuff--”

Cas beams at him. “Of course.”

The cabin is as weird and perfect as he expected, a perfect mishmash of Dean’s favorite places. The bedroom is the same as the one he had in the bunker, only this version has windows that look out on the lake. The kitchen is the one from his parents’ house when he was little, where he’d watch his mom bake pies. There’s a library that also reminds him a little of the bunker, only shrunk down. Not by much, though--Dean begins to suspect the house is bigger than it appears from the outside. The living room reminds him of Bobby’s house--Persian rugs on the floor, that same gold-on-red wallpaper and dark wooden paneling. It’s full of squashy chairs and couches to sit on, and there’s a great big television on one wall. He and Cas curl up there under a blanket together to watch a movie--safe, familiar territory for them, even if the cuddling part is new--and Dean thinks this is a ludicrous way to spend his first day in Heaven. He thinks it couldn’t be any more perfect.

By the time the movie ends, Cas has sunk down to rest his head against Dean’s shoulder. “Mm,” Cas murmurs, out of nowhere, sounding almost half asleep. “ _ This _ is the happiest I’ve ever felt.”

Dean thinks about how this feels, this ability to make someone happy just by being with them. To matter, not as weapon, not as sacrifice; just as a guy sitting on a couch with his arm around an angel, watching some old cowboy movie.  _ I can have this _ , he thinks.  _ I can really have this.  _ “I love you,” he says, and kisses the top of Cas’s head. Then, he says it again, because now that he’s said it once, he never wants to stop. He owes Cas so many years of unspoken declarations; he needs to make up for lost time.

He pulls Cas to the room he’d dreamed of begging Cas to stay in since the day he found it, but never found the courage until now, and he loves him.

He shares a pot of coffee with Cas in the morning, and he loves him.

He loves him.

Dean drives. Nowhere to go, nothing to run from. Just for the joy of it. Sometimes Cas rides with him, and absently trails his fingers over Dean’s hand on the gear shift. Sometimes he goes alone. Both make him happy. Jack lets him and Cas fuss over him, and Dean stuffs him full of baked goods every time he comes over, even if he is God Almighty now and doesn’t need to eat. Technically none of them need to eat, but Dean feeds everyone anyway--Bobby, Charlie, Ash and the Harvelles. With the exception of Charlie, he doesn’t exactly tell anyone what’s going on with him and Cas. He doesn’t hide it; he just doesn’t like the idea of putting a label on something that feels bigger than language. What do you call your best friend you’re in love with who’s an ancient genderless heavenly being who presents themself in the form of a long-dead salesman out of nothing but habit? So instead he just puts his arm around Cas when they’re out together and dares anyone to ask questions. He grows his own tomatoes. He reads romance novels. He learns to bake focaccia. He asks his mom to teach him how to bake pies, and she reminds him that she made hers with store-bought crusts and fillings. So they watch some YouTube videos, and practice rolling out pastry dough together.

Cas keeps an eye on Earth for him. Sam finds Eileen, and asks her to marry him, and Dean cries. They take good care of Miracle, and they rebuild the Men of Letters in their own careful, thoughtful way, and Dean feels so proud. One day they have a baby boy. Cas tells him they've named the kid Dean, and Dean cries again.

He sits on the edge of his pier with Cas, dangling their bare feet in the water and watching an aurora flow across the dark sky. Miracle races up and down the shore, snapping at lightning bugs. Cas holds his hand, and Dean loves him. He misses Sam, and he thinks about how happy he’ll be the day he goes for a drive and gets to bring his brother home with him, when he'll get to share this place with Sam and Eileen, and Dean, Jr., too, someday. But there's no rush. He has family here, and time to take care of them the way he's always wanted, to love Cas the way he's always wanted, to even love himself. 

He doesn't believe this is the end. He doesn't really believe, in his heart, that this is all it's going to be from here on out. The universe is a big place, and they already know that God can die. If some big new bad out there decides to come for Jack, Dean's ready to saddle up and go to war for him in an instant. But it's nice to have this, however long it lasts. He squeezes Cas's hand, and smiles at him. He doesn't believe this is the end, but he believes this: he loves, and he is loved, and no power in the universe will ever take that away.

**Author's Note:**

> title from "[Treacherous](https://youtu.be/YINgOpBnYBE?t=27)" by Taylor Swift
> 
> *sigh* Listen--my dream finale for SPN is actually like, Dean pulls Cas from the Empty, Sam and Eileen get married, they all live long, happy human lives surrounded by their chosen family because I do not accept an ending where Dean dies young after all. Maybe I'll try to write that ending some day, too. In the meantime, this is just an attempt to make a halfway decent pie out of the crumbs canon gave us, so to speak.
> 
> also on [tumblr](https://poodlesandsucculents.tumblr.com/post/635537324007096320/nothing-safe-is-worth-the-drive-1520-coda)!


End file.
